


Seducing Arthur Shappey

by Karellia



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: F/M, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, dubcon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-18
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-25 22:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/643719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karellia/pseuds/Karellia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An heiress with too much time and money on her hands takes a bet that she can seduce the world’s most oblivious steward.  Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aberdeen

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ back in 2011. With the start of Series 4, it's likely I'll be adding more chapters soon, however!

_Interior, cabin.  Arthur approaches a young woman, approximately in her late 20s, the only passenger in the entire plane._

ARTHUR:

Excuse me, miss.  Could myself interest yourself in something to eat or drink?  Our choices for food today are fish and chips.

WOMAN:

Or… what?

ARTHUR:

I’m sorry?

WOMAN:

Fish and chips or what?

ARTHUR:

Ohh… I’m sorry.  I should have specified.  Fish  _or_  chips, miss?

WOMAN:

For a minute, I thought I’d get the best of both worlds.  Apparently not.

ARTHUR:

Oh, that was  _brilliant_  sarcasm!  That sounded like something the first officer would say!

WOMAN:

Really, now.  You can actually recognise sarcasm when you hear it? 

ARTHUR:

Well, not always.  It’s just, if people give me a certain look when they say it- oh!  Like that kind of look!  -then I just assume that they’re trying to make me think that that’s not what they’re thinking as they say the thing they’re thinking of saying while they think of it.

WOMAN:

I see.

ARTHUR: 

There it is again!  I’m getting good at this!

_(this is normally when the ol’ Cabin Pressure intro thing would happen but this is only a fanwork so let’s just pretend it did…)_

_Flight deck.  Martin and Douglas are playing yet another game to pass the time._

DOUGLAS:

“Doctor Whom.”

MARTIN:

Oh, that was an excellent one!  Let me have a go now… “Top Gears!"

DOUGLAS:

You can’t just add an “s” to everything!  That defeats the whole purpose!

_Carolyn walks in._

CAROLYN:

What, might I ask, are you playing now?

MARTIN:

Adding a letter to the end of television programmes to make them more interesting.  I’ve come up with plenty of good ones,  _haven’t I, Douglas?_

DOUGLAS:

If by “good ones,” you mean making everything plural, then yes.  “Houses” was probably the best one so far.

CAROLYN:

Martin, American television provides so many more opportunities; how could you miss out on classics like “The Odd Couplet?"

DOUGLAS:

Well played, Carolyn!

MARTIN:

Fine, rub it in, why don’t you…

CAROLYN:

Anyway, I’m not here to play games, even if I may be  _very_  good at them.  In fact, I came up here to tell you that our passenger is growing restless and she wants to meet both of you.

MARTIN:

Carolyn, you  _know_  what I’m going to say to that.  Absolutely no passengers allowed in the flight deck.

CAROLYN:

I didn’t say you were going to meet her in the flight deck.  Perhaps you might prefer somewhere with a climate more suitable for… citrus fruits?

MARTIN:

Not this again.  You and your “travelling lemon”!

DOUGLAS:

Well, since the captain seems to be apprehensive about going first, I’ll gladly take his place.  See you in a few minutes!  …Or less.  Oh, and by the way, Martin: “James May’s Road Tripe”.

MARTIN:

Argh!

_Douglas gets up and leaves the flight deck._

MARTIN:

So, Carolyn, mind filling me in on who the passenger actually is before I go and make an utter fool of myself in front of her?

CAROLYN:

Now where’s the fun in that?

MARTIN:

Come on, please tell me who she is!  She must be someone rather important if you’re actually complying with her requests.

CAROLYN:

Heiress.  That’s who she is.

MARTIN:

Oh… I see.  Likes to give large  _tips_ , does she?

CAROLYN:

No, her name is  _Eris_.  Eris Archer.  Another mythological being on board our humble craft, bless my soul…

MARTIN:

So she has a strange name.  That’s what makes her so special, then?

CAROLYN:

No, she actually is an heiress, too.  I just wanted to make you think you were entirely wrong.  She gives incredible tips.

_Douglas re-enters, smiling broadly._

MARTIN: 

(to Douglas)

What are you so happy about?  Making my life miserable when it’s my turn to go out there?

DOUGLAS:

Nothing of the sort,  _captain_.  I simply made the acquaintance of one of the loveliest passengers to grace our cabin.

MARTIN:

It’s been a while since you’ve actually taken a liking to any of our passengers.  Unless, of course, this is related to your smuggling ring somehow…

DOUGLAS:

No, I was simply talking to a very intelligent, yet not-so-intelligent lady.  I mean… right.

CAROLYN:

You’d better not be swindling her out of her money on one of your stupid bets!

DOUGLAS:

No, she assures me that _I’ll_  be the one who gets swindled.  We shall see.

MARTIN:

All right, that’s it.  I’d better go see what you were up to.

_Martin gets up to leave, then pauses._

MARTIN:

Did I say “Houses” yet?

DOUGLAS:

…Yes.  Nice try.  By the way, make sure Arthur doesn’t go near her while you’re out there.  She was complaining about him.

_Martin sighs, leaves flight deck, and enters cabin._

MARTIN:

Hello, Ms Archer.  I’m your captain, Mart-

ERIS:

Martin Crieff!  Yes, I already found out your name from the first officer.  Lovely to meet you.

_Martin is searching for the lemon, not paying attention to Eris._

ERIS:

I’m sorry, is something the matter?

MARTIN:

No, no, it’s just… erm… have you seen any food-related items around here?  Like, fruit, for instance?

ERIS:

Well, if you need some fruit, we could just call the steward over and get you some…

MARTIN:

No!  No, that’s not necessary.  I mean, wait.  You don’t have a problem with the steward, do you?

ERIS:

Why would I?  He’s a perfectly nice man.

_Eris presses the service button.  Arthur comes bounding in, cheerful as ever._

ARTHUR:

Yes, will yourself be requiring something at this time, miss?

ERIS:

I think the captain wants some fruit.  You’ll have to ask him yourself.  As for me, I’ll take an ice water.

ARTHUR:

Right.  Skip, here’s the lemon that Douglas told me not to give you.  Miss, I’ll be back with the ice water in a moment!

ERIS:

Thank you!  And by the way, you can call me Eris.

_Arthur leaves._

MARTIN:

What’s going on…?  I still don’t know what the bet is between you and Douglas.

ERIS:

Bet?  You think someone with as much of a fortune as I have would bother to place a bet with a first officer of a charter airline?  I don’t think so!

MARTIN:

Right, I’m so, so sorry.  Please, have a nice flight, and I’ll just… be going now.

_Martin quickly walks out, embarrassed._

ERIS:

He brought the lemon with him, I see.

_Arthur returns._

ARTHUR:

Here’s the ice water you requested, miss… Eris.

ERIS:

Thank you, this should tide me over for the  _long_  trip to Aberdeen!

ARTHUR:

I think it’s really funny when you do that sarcasm thing.  Like, it’s funnier than when Douglas does it.

ERIS:

Why, thank you, Arthur!

_Eris takes a sip of her ice water._

ERIS:

(overdramatic)

Oh my goodness.  This water is far too cold.  I think I’m going to get frostbite from this ice!

ARTHUR:

Oh, god.  I’m sorry.  This is probably my fault.  Erm.  What should I do for you?  I’ve never had to prevent frostbite before!

ERIS:

(nonchalantly)

Well, you can always warm it up with your own body heat.  Like a mouth-to-mouth sort of thing- oh!  Iss gettin wuhs now…

_Back to flight deck._

MARTIN:

You did what?  You bet what?  No.

DOUGLAS:

I just said that if she managed to get another sort of reaction than “Brilliant!” out of Arthur, then I’d pay to see it.

MARTIN:

So, basically, you bet her some amount of money to  _seduce Arthur Shappey_.  Out of all of the outlandish things you’ve placed bets on, this has got to be the most ridiculous thing so far!

DOUGLAS:

I didn’t bet her  _money_ …

_Carolyn enters._

CAROLYN:

You’re never going to believe what just happened.

DOUGLAS:

Oh, I have a few ideas…

CAROLYN:

No, you don’t.  I just had to yell at Arthur for  _snogging_  Ms Archer!

MARTIN:

Well, now, Douglas.  Maybe your luck has run out!

CAROLYN:

What?

MARTIN:

Nothing!  Nothing.  Just… wow.  Unexpected news!

CAROLYN:

I should say so!  In twenty-nine years, I have not yet had to reprimand Arthur for something like that.  I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have stopped him…

_Cut to Aberdeen airport.  Eris and Arthur are sitting together at a table, having coffee._

ERIS:

Listen, I’m so sorry that you got in trouble over a foolish idea of mine.

ARTHUR:

Oh, it’s no trouble.  Mum won’t be mad at me for long.  I hope.

ERIS:

You’re really not smart, though.  I mean, you came to get coffee with me after that whole incident even though your mother was upset.  That’s not a good idea.

ARTHUR:

I couldn’t refuse an invitation from a lovely lady such as yourself!

ERIS:

You’re so happy.  And oblivious.  I like that.

ARTHUR:

I like that, too!  Brilliant!

ERIS:

Anyway, I’ve got to ask you something.  Before I make an incredibly stupid decision.

ARTHUR:

I guess you’ve come to the right place, then!

ERIS:

I overheard your mother saying that she didn’t pay the captain  _anything_.  Is that really true?

ARTHUR:

I think so.  But Skip doesn’t ask for anything, so it’s all right.

ERIS:

See, I don’t think that’s all right.  He seems like such an unfortunate man.  And I’m sure you don’t get paid anything, either, being part of the family and all.

ARTHUR:

No, but I’m happy.  Like you said: happy all the time!  And oblivious, too!

ERIS:

Right, then.  I’m off to book a weeklong holiday.

ARTHUR:

Most people switch airlines, it’s true.  Good luck!

ERIS:

No, no!  I’m booking my flights- all of them- with MJN!

ARTHUR:

(incredulously)

Really?  Wow!  Or was that the sarcasm again?

ERIS:

It wasn’t sarcasm.  I’m going to take everyone on holiday to my favourite places.  And I’m going to pay double the price just so everyone gets paid.

ARTHUR:

You were right, that  _was_  a stupid decision!  But still brilliant nonetheless!

ERIS:

That’s reassuring, coming from you.

ARTHUR:

Well, where are we going first?

ERIS:

I didn’t even book the flights yet, what makes you think I know where we’re going?

ARTHUR:

Please say Disney World.  I’ve  _always_  wanted to go to Disney World.

ERIS:

Fine, I’ll add it to the itinerary.  But now I have to go find Carolyn to talk to her about this.

ARTHUR:

Brilliant!

_Eris sighs, gets up, and leaves to find Carolyn._


	2. Bridgetown

_BING-BONG_

DOUGLAS:

This is your first officer speaking.  I just wanted to assure all  _one_  of our passengers that it is perfectly safe and legal to operate aircraft whilst wearing beach attire. 

MARTIN:

And this is your captain, Martin Crieff.  Thanks to a lovely donation from an  _anonymous_  benefactor, we are now flying across the Atlantic Ocean towards a Caribbean holiday and getting paid to do so!

DOUGLAS:

What the captain really means to say is that  _he_  is getting paid to do his job for the first time in his life, and the rest of us are having the Caribbean holiday.

MARTIN:

That’s not true… at least I hope it’s not!

DOUGLAS:

And now, if you’ll look to your right, or to your left for that matter, you’ll see endless ocean.  Hopefully the steward has instructed you on the proper use of flotation devices and lifejackets… but wait!  It seems that the steward has, in fact, been locked in the galley by none other than the CEO of MJN!  How unfortunate that the passenger will have an open opportunity for a lawsuit-

CAROLYN:

That’s enough out of the both of you!

_Cabin Pressure intro plays here._

_Galley.  Arthur is singing to himself._

ARTHUR:

(singing)

On the first day of holiday, I really want to see… a starfish and a palm tree!

(spoken)

No.  Not a starfish.  I’ve seen one of those in “Finding Nemo” already.  Maybe… a dolphin!  Yes, dolphins are brilliant!

_Carolyn enters._

CAROLYN:

You’re not going to see any dolphins where we’re going, Arthur.

ARTHUR:

What?  Why not?  I thought they were everywhere!  And they’re so friendly, too!

CAROLYN:

We might be at the beach later, but I can assure you we’re not going to be in the midst of a bunch of smiling dolphins.

ARTHUR:

Aww…

CAROLYN:

Besides, you know my hatred for dolphins knows no bounds.  They’re too smart for their own good!  Unlike you…

ARTHUR:

But at least they’re friendly like me!

_Eris is ringing the service bell._

CAROLYN:

Stay here; I’ll find out what our “anonymous benefactor” wants now…

_Carolyn enters the cabin._

CAROLYN:

Hello,  _Aphrodite_.  What can I do for you?

ERIS:

The first thing you can do is quit the snide remarks, thank you very much.  Need I remind you that I am financing the largest-scale operation that MJN has ever seen?

CAROLYN:

No, you needn’t.  

(reluctantly)

I’m sorry if I offended you.

ERIS:

It’s all right.  I just wish we were at the beach already.  Or shopping.  Or something, I don’t even care what.  I honestly don’t know how you all can tolerate each other after being on this plane for days at a time…

CAROLYN:

I guess you’re going to have to find out, then.

ERIS:

Unfortunately, yes.

_An awkward pause._

CAROLYN:

Listen, Eris, I don’t want any hard feelings between us.  I realise my behaviour may have been perceived as out of line recently.  I mean, yours was much worse and you still haven’t apologised yet, but I’d like to be the better person here and extend the olive branch.

ERIS:

Just out of curiosity, what should I be apologising for?

CAROLYN:

For your shameless attempt to corrupt my son, obviously!

ERIS:

… You do realise he’s twenty-nine years old, right?  Meaning, he can do whatever he likes.

CAROLYN:

Yes, but…

ERIS:

I don’t think this is an issue anymore.  Let’s try to enjoy ourselves, shall we?

_Arthur appears seemingly out of nowhere._

ARTHUR:

Mum, I thought of another thing I want to see!  A monkey!

CAROLYN:

That’s even more ridiculous than the dolphins!  I can guarantee that you’ll see no such thing at the beach.

ARTHUR:

Aww…

ERIS:

Don’t worry, Arthur.  There’s actually a good chance that you’ll see one.

ARTHUR:

Really?

ERIS:

Yes, there are certain monkeys called Barbados Green Monkeys.  And in fact,  _Barbados_  Green Monkeys are known to roam  _Barbados_.  How surprising!

ARTHUR:

Brilliant!

CAROLYN:

…Brilliant.

_Cut to interior of a posh resort.  The crew and Eris are sitting in the lobby._

ERIS:

Well, that was fun.  You’d think they’d find a place for us to land after an hour of circling around…

DOUGLAS:

At least they have apple juice here.

MARTIN:

I don’t see why we even came here.  There’s nothing here that I can’t find in England!

ARTHUR:

There are monkeys!

CAROLYN:

I  _hate_  monkeys!  They wouldn’t stop following us the whole way here!

DOUGLAS:

I think that’s just because Arthur is the  _monkey whisperer_.  They’re naturally drawn to him.

ARTHUR:

Well, actually, monkeys don’t really whisper.  It’s more like:

(unintelligible screeching sounds)

DOUGLAS:

Is  _that_  what they call you, then?

ERIS:

This was supposed to be a nice place.  Last time I was here, I had a marvellous time at the beach and I went boating, too!

MARTIN:

Hold on, did you say…  _boating_?

ERIS:

Uh… yes?

DOUGLAS:

Not this again.

MARTIN:

It’s just that I took a boating course last year and now I’m fully able to operate a boat.  Which would technically make me a ship’s-

DOUGLAS:

Captain!  Of course!  O captain, my captain!  Only now you can command a seaworthy vessel!

MARTIN:

(pauses, then says confidently)

Why, yes, I can.

ERIS:

Well, we can rent a boat if you’d like.  It would be interesting, wouldn’t it?

CAROLYN:

It’s not much different than being trapped on a plane, if you ask me.

ERIS:

No, there’s plenty to do!  You can take in the sights and the sounds and the smells… you can go fishing… and most importantly, you can escape those  _pesky primates_  that are back on the shore!

CAROLYN:

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think a boat ride is a splendid idea!

_Cut to the deck of the newly rented boat._

ARTHUR:

(singing)

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!

DOUGLAS:

While I understand that our boat might be reminiscent of a pirate ship- because it  _is_ one- I wouldn’t say we’re actually pirates, Arthur.

MARTIN:

This isn’t a pirate ship.  This is a sloop that happens to be a historical replica. 

DOUGLAS:

So that’s why we’re sailing under the Jolly Roger?

MARTIN:

It was the only one left!

CAROLYN:

As long as that monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean isn’t here, I’m fine with this one.

_Meanwhile, at the stern of the pirate ship…_

ERIS:

Beautiful, isn’t it?

ARTHUR:

Yeah…

ERIS:

I was talking about the view of the horizon.

ARTHUR:

Oh.  I thought you meant that cloud that looks like a butterfly.

ERIS:

Yeah, I can see that.  It does look like a butterfly, though… fascinating.

ARTHUR:

Look!  Did you just see that?  Brilliant!

ERIS:

What?  What happened?

ARTHUR:

I saw a fin sticking up out of the water!  I bet it’s a dolphin come to say hello!

ERIS:

Oh… goodness.  I- I guess it could be, Arthur.  Why don’t you step back from the railing?

ARTHUR:

But it  _is_ a dolphin; I just know it!  

ERIS:

Arthur, please.  I don’t think it is… especially considering did you see the teeth on that thing- oh my god-

_The “dolphin” starts ramming the boat._

MARTIN:

What’s going on over here- SHARK!  AHHHH!!!

_Loud thud._

CAROLYN:

I think he’s passed out!  What a fine captain he is!

ERIS:

Well, what are we supposed to do now?  There’s a shark pushing our boat to god knows where and we have no captain to steer us back to shore!

ARTHUR:

I told you, it’s a dolphin.

CAROLYN:

Then how do you explain the fact that it’s attacking our boat, most likely in an attempt to eat us?

ARTHUR:

It’s a  _really_ friendly one!

ERIS:

Douglas, please say you have a solution.  Please.

DOUGLAS:

I was going to say we could offer it a ride home, but I think we’d  _need a bigger boat._

CAROLYN:

This is not the time for your witty comments!  Our lives are in danger!

DOUGLAS:

Well, I have an idea.  But it all depends on whether this ship is as historically accurate as its owner claims…

ERIS:

Wait.  You’re not suggesting… that’s actually brilliant!

ARTHUR:

Brilliant?

CAROLYN:

What are you talking about?  What are you going to do?

DOUGLAS:

Avast, you shark!  Prepare to meet a more honourable demise than Jaws!  Hopefully this cannon is more reliable than its 17th century counterpart…

_Cannon fires._

ERIS:

An excellent shot!  …provided you meant to fire it in the opposite direction.

ARTHUR:

You’re scaring it away!

CAROLYN:

That’s a  _good_  thing, Arthur.  It means we’re still alive.

_Martin is slowly coming to._

MARTIN:

(mumbling)

Oh… that inner ear problem chose a horrible time to manifest itself.

CAROLYN:

Of course it was the ear!  It’s  _always_  the ear!

ERIS:

Wow, Martin, you managed to miss when Douglas single-handedly dispatched a man-eating shark!  How unfortunate!

DOUGLAS:

I’m sure we can give Martin some credit in the matter.  After all, if we hadn’t been stuck with such an awful  ship, there wouldn’t have been a cannon on board!

MARTIN:

See?  I did something right!

CAROLYN:

Martin, please just get us back to land.  I’ve decided I’d rather take my chances with the monkeys than ever have to deal with a shark again!

ARTHUR:

I’m telling you, it was a dolphin.

DOUGLAS:

All right, you  _are_  the dolphin whisperer, after all.

ARTHUR:

See, dolphins make more of a clicking noise… like the seatbelts!

ERIS:

This is brilliant and all, Arthur, but let’s just get back to the resort.  I think I’ve had enough of Barbados.


End file.
